The sun shines a little brighter, and the flowers smell a little sweeter
tl; dr;
Looking back, the best relationships took off like rockets. But there's a flipside. When they broke up, we lost the ability to read each other's minds just as fast.
The long version.
I have a guideline. When meeting somebody new, I got one date to determine if we really really like each other. For instance, we don't have to sleep together on the first date, but I do ask myself if it's really obvious that's where it's headed. If I'm, like, "Well I'm not sure, I might need a second date to..." That means no. The dating pool is enormous. For every shoe there is a foot. There's no sense getting into a relationship where I have to fight uphill because there are probably literally thousands of girls in this city who are basically perfect for me. I know this because I've found them before, and we were obviously in love by the end of night one.
A great first date starts off in show horse mode. We're both nervously prancing around, butterflies in our stomachs. This phase is adorably awkward. Conversation is rushed and aggressively polite. We're putting on fronts and holding back. Give it a few hours and we both relax a little bit. The conversation gets more room to breathe. Now we're laughing, smiling, and making eye contact. This is exactly the right time to make sure I touch on the sorts of things girlfriends have gotten upset at me for before. That's how I learn from past relationships, by trying to make sure I scare off any girl that would get upset at me for the exact same thing. "The trouble I get into in some relationships is..." fill in the blank. "I have a girlfriend who I spend about 5 days a week with." I put that kind of thing right on my Tinder profile, so the only girls who are surprised by that are the ones with poor reading comprehension. Now, we're giving each other the benefit of the doubt, hearing each other out, reserving judgement, because we're emotionally generous and eager for this to work, so hurt feelings are conspicuously absent.
Which is to say, if anybody's feelings get hurt at any point on date one, that's not a rocket relationship, and I'm out. If only it were that easy all the time though. What I'm really getting at here is, any niggling thing in the back of my head is a red flag. Rocket relationships don't have that. Rocket relationships are obvious. They're, like, duh, obviously we're a thing now. They're, like, part of me feels like that was the best first date ever.
Then we enter the longer phase where we really get to know each other. Like, "That's just great," can be sarcastic or sincere. Early in a relationship, it's not obvious what she meant by that. If I'm on top of my game, I might notice it could go either way and I ask a clarifying question. Or maybe I'm feeling scarred by the last relationship and I assume the worst. But maybe she was really being nice and I'm the asshole without even realizing it, or it's the other way around, or it happens to work out... Point being, it's easy to have misunderstandings early, people can get upset, and it takes emotional and creative effort to smooth things back out. We've all been shamed for things, so we all tend to hide things, often without realizing it, and a lot of misunderstandings come out of that.
But as the relationship matures, I don't have to clarify so much. I can just know what she meant because I've seen it before. It becomes spooky easy to get along. I lean on it, emotionally. Like, I can express all the life stuff that's got my attention, good and bad, so I don't feel isolated because a problem shared is a problem halved. That only works in a judgement free zone, which is why it's important I played that first date right, not forcing a relationship that's not quite right just because she's extra cute. The world outside the relationship is a whole big complicated bumpy mess, but the relationship is smooth. It's an oasis from the stress. It's like, I need emotional reserves to laugh off the constant petty annoyances of my day to day. A good relationship gives me those reserves because it's wonderful and effortless in all the right ways. It helps me glide through life.
We're basically reading each other's minds at that point. It's surprising how much emotional content we communicate and how effortlessly we do it.
Then eventually it starts to unravel, and here's my point. The moment the most basic assumption of the relationship is in serious doubt, the moment either of you stops feeling like, "Duh, of course we're a thing," nothing else makes sense, your ability to read each other's minds crumbles, and the fights come roaring in. If the fights came roaring in and I didn't realize the relationship was about to end, that means she realized it before I did.
But of course it's way more complicated than that. Fights are symptoms, like headaches. They can have many possible causes. If we forced a relationship to happen that had unsolvable problems all along, different ideas on monogamy being my most common example, then you get standing fights. Fights also come from early misunderstandings. Any source of fights can make it hard to see the breakup fights for what they are.
Looking back, the best relationships took off like rockets. But there's a flipside. When they broke up, we lost the ability to read each other's minds just as fast.
The long version.
I have a guideline. When meeting somebody new, I got one date to determine if we really really like each other. For instance, we don't have to sleep together on the first date, but I do ask myself if it's really obvious that's where it's headed. If I'm, like, "Well I'm not sure, I might need a second date to..." That means no. The dating pool is enormous. For every shoe there is a foot. There's no sense getting into a relationship where I have to fight uphill because there are probably literally thousands of girls in this city who are basically perfect for me. I know this because I've found them before, and we were obviously in love by the end of night one.
A great first date starts off in show horse mode. We're both nervously prancing around, butterflies in our stomachs. This phase is adorably awkward. Conversation is rushed and aggressively polite. We're putting on fronts and holding back. Give it a few hours and we both relax a little bit. The conversation gets more room to breathe. Now we're laughing, smiling, and making eye contact. This is exactly the right time to make sure I touch on the sorts of things girlfriends have gotten upset at me for before. That's how I learn from past relationships, by trying to make sure I scare off any girl that would get upset at me for the exact same thing. "The trouble I get into in some relationships is..." fill in the blank. "I have a girlfriend who I spend about 5 days a week with." I put that kind of thing right on my Tinder profile, so the only girls who are surprised by that are the ones with poor reading comprehension. Now, we're giving each other the benefit of the doubt, hearing each other out, reserving judgement, because we're emotionally generous and eager for this to work, so hurt feelings are conspicuously absent.
Which is to say, if anybody's feelings get hurt at any point on date one, that's not a rocket relationship, and I'm out. If only it were that easy all the time though. What I'm really getting at here is, any niggling thing in the back of my head is a red flag. Rocket relationships don't have that. Rocket relationships are obvious. They're, like, duh, obviously we're a thing now. They're, like, part of me feels like that was the best first date ever.
Then we enter the longer phase where we really get to know each other. Like, "That's just great," can be sarcastic or sincere. Early in a relationship, it's not obvious what she meant by that. If I'm on top of my game, I might notice it could go either way and I ask a clarifying question. Or maybe I'm feeling scarred by the last relationship and I assume the worst. But maybe she was really being nice and I'm the asshole without even realizing it, or it's the other way around, or it happens to work out... Point being, it's easy to have misunderstandings early, people can get upset, and it takes emotional and creative effort to smooth things back out. We've all been shamed for things, so we all tend to hide things, often without realizing it, and a lot of misunderstandings come out of that.
But as the relationship matures, I don't have to clarify so much. I can just know what she meant because I've seen it before. It becomes spooky easy to get along. I lean on it, emotionally. Like, I can express all the life stuff that's got my attention, good and bad, so I don't feel isolated because a problem shared is a problem halved. That only works in a judgement free zone, which is why it's important I played that first date right, not forcing a relationship that's not quite right just because she's extra cute. The world outside the relationship is a whole big complicated bumpy mess, but the relationship is smooth. It's an oasis from the stress. It's like, I need emotional reserves to laugh off the constant petty annoyances of my day to day. A good relationship gives me those reserves because it's wonderful and effortless in all the right ways. It helps me glide through life.
We're basically reading each other's minds at that point. It's surprising how much emotional content we communicate and how effortlessly we do it.
Then eventually it starts to unravel, and here's my point. The moment the most basic assumption of the relationship is in serious doubt, the moment either of you stops feeling like, "Duh, of course we're a thing," nothing else makes sense, your ability to read each other's minds crumbles, and the fights come roaring in. If the fights came roaring in and I didn't realize the relationship was about to end, that means she realized it before I did.
But of course it's way more complicated than that. Fights are symptoms, like headaches. They can have many possible causes. If we forced a relationship to happen that had unsolvable problems all along, different ideas on monogamy being my most common example, then you get standing fights. Fights also come from early misunderstandings. Any source of fights can make it hard to see the breakup fights for what they are.
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