Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Most children hate spicy food. They just don't get it. Why in god's green earth would you hurt your mouth like that?! They chomp on something spicy and they literally cry, they're so upset. So I think part of growing up is learning to appreciate certain types of pain. Pain is an acquired taste. I used to hate painful back massages. Now, a little older and creakier, I just love 'em. What's better than somebody just DIGGING their elbows and knuckles into the knots in my back? It's like Tabasco on breakfast. Being spanked, universally hated by kids, enjoyed by a certain segment of the adult population. Now, if there's more Tabasco than egg, I'm not gonna enjoy that. There's a balance. Let me take care here. I'm NOT saying more pain is always good, or that all pain is good. I'm saying that as a kid I enjoyed no pain whatsoever, but as an adult, I'm learning to enjoy certain types of pain at certain levels.
I think this might be true for emotional pain too. I've been saying for a while now that maybe the meaning of life is to enjoy the richness of all the human emotions. Maybe the meaning of life is just feeling alive. Like, I used to HATE all fighting with my romantic partners. As far as I was concerned, there was NOTHING to appreciate about fighting with your girlfriend. Now don't get me wrong here, I don't seek out fights. If anything I've become quite sophisticated in avoiding fights through such tried and true techniques as paying attention to what bothers people and not doing that. But when fights inevitably happen, I kind of enjoy them on certain levels. They make me feel alive. They hurt, but that doesn't necessarily bother me now. My model of fighting became WAY more sophisticated over the past few years and at this point I've got a whole laundry list of things to appreciate about it. Fighting is a way to test boundaries. Fighting is a great way to get stuff out in the open that's important, but too difficult to say when you're being polite, and what a relief that can be. Again, I want to take special care not to make a caricature of my point. I'm not saying all fighting is good. I'm saying it can be good, and my quality of life improved when I learned to seek out and appreciate the good parts.
I think growing up is a process of refining your models. I remember making my boy laugh when he was 4-ish and him saying, "Daddies are funny." I think the human mind naturally over-abstracts. We tend to draw broad conclusions. It's the opposite of science. Then as you get older, you refine your ideas to better fit just how complicated things really are. I can't imagine a 4 year old saying, "Some daddies are funnier than others, and it depends on the mood they're in." Well this process of refining models, I think that's an important part of learning to appreciate things. You start with one boring trip to a museum in junior high and for a decade or two you're all, "Modern art sucks." Then you go again in your 30s, a more patient and sophisticated version of yourself, and you discover that some modern art sucks, sure, but some is actually pretty entertaining. I like to notice when people write off entire genres, or embrace entire genres. All dysfunctional ways of thinking tend to punish themselves, and the big risk of genre based thinking is just getting the exceptions wrong.
My point is, life is jam packed with emotions and sensations, and I think it might be a mistake to write off the painful ones, or to desperately avoid them. Rather, I think I should learn to appreciate them on some level. I think that's a difficult and worthwhile thing to do with the time I have.
I remember my brother telling me he felt that happiness came mainly from within, that you can be happy regardless of circumstances. I think his idea had something to do with completely de-coupling happiness from your present predicament. Isn't it a Buddhist idea that all suffering comes from being attached to things, and the answer is, stop being attached to things? My sister once told me she didn't know about being happy exactly, but she did feel existentially fulfilled and that was really the important part to her. My idea is about learning how to enjoy the chaos. It's not a perfect system. I can't imagine ever learning to appreciate the pain of dental work for instance.
I guess we're all just coming up with ways to cope, aren't we. I suppose every human alive has to do that.
I think this might be true for emotional pain too. I've been saying for a while now that maybe the meaning of life is to enjoy the richness of all the human emotions. Maybe the meaning of life is just feeling alive. Like, I used to HATE all fighting with my romantic partners. As far as I was concerned, there was NOTHING to appreciate about fighting with your girlfriend. Now don't get me wrong here, I don't seek out fights. If anything I've become quite sophisticated in avoiding fights through such tried and true techniques as paying attention to what bothers people and not doing that. But when fights inevitably happen, I kind of enjoy them on certain levels. They make me feel alive. They hurt, but that doesn't necessarily bother me now. My model of fighting became WAY more sophisticated over the past few years and at this point I've got a whole laundry list of things to appreciate about it. Fighting is a way to test boundaries. Fighting is a great way to get stuff out in the open that's important, but too difficult to say when you're being polite, and what a relief that can be. Again, I want to take special care not to make a caricature of my point. I'm not saying all fighting is good. I'm saying it can be good, and my quality of life improved when I learned to seek out and appreciate the good parts.
I think growing up is a process of refining your models. I remember making my boy laugh when he was 4-ish and him saying, "Daddies are funny." I think the human mind naturally over-abstracts. We tend to draw broad conclusions. It's the opposite of science. Then as you get older, you refine your ideas to better fit just how complicated things really are. I can't imagine a 4 year old saying, "Some daddies are funnier than others, and it depends on the mood they're in." Well this process of refining models, I think that's an important part of learning to appreciate things. You start with one boring trip to a museum in junior high and for a decade or two you're all, "Modern art sucks." Then you go again in your 30s, a more patient and sophisticated version of yourself, and you discover that some modern art sucks, sure, but some is actually pretty entertaining. I like to notice when people write off entire genres, or embrace entire genres. All dysfunctional ways of thinking tend to punish themselves, and the big risk of genre based thinking is just getting the exceptions wrong.
My point is, life is jam packed with emotions and sensations, and I think it might be a mistake to write off the painful ones, or to desperately avoid them. Rather, I think I should learn to appreciate them on some level. I think that's a difficult and worthwhile thing to do with the time I have.
I remember my brother telling me he felt that happiness came mainly from within, that you can be happy regardless of circumstances. I think his idea had something to do with completely de-coupling happiness from your present predicament. Isn't it a Buddhist idea that all suffering comes from being attached to things, and the answer is, stop being attached to things? My sister once told me she didn't know about being happy exactly, but she did feel existentially fulfilled and that was really the important part to her. My idea is about learning how to enjoy the chaos. It's not a perfect system. I can't imagine ever learning to appreciate the pain of dental work for instance.
I guess we're all just coming up with ways to cope, aren't we. I suppose every human alive has to do that.
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ReplyDeleteThe title is from George W Bush, my favorite president to quote.
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